SEDUCTIVE HAIRPINS
'SEDUCTIVE HAIRPINS' - by Southern TLouise
How could I have known…this innocent-looking hairpin could send me straight to Hell!
There's something deep within the soul of a person exposed to Pentecostal roots, or any Southern hardcore religion, for that matter. One soon develops a passion for doing what's right and pleasing in the sight of God. Some people have dreams, visions, and, dare I say, 'déjà Vu regarding which path to take. Nothing wrong with that unless you are trying to shove that path under someone else's feet.
Just a gentle nudge will do…
Growing up, I accumulated enormous guilt and unresolved acceptance issues. I never felt like I fit into the mold everyone expected, and I didn't quite understand the hair, dress, makeup, and many other rules. However, the guilt thing…was always there.
For instance, I remember wearing a pretty little hairpin to church; the hairpin served the sole purpose of helping me keep this untamed fluffy mess on my head looking halfway decent.
However, that night the church had a visiting preacher screaming fire and brimstone at the congregation from the top of his lungs. He dove in and out of the details concerning the fiery pit of damnation that awaited us. It was soon brought to my attention that even my tiny lil' hairpin could send me busting through the gates of Hell.
'Why?' I wondered.
It was just a hairpin with a fake zirconium diamond that had long lost its luster. I had gotten it years ago, perhaps at another church garage sale or from Mama, and I simply could not remember where for the life of me. Nonetheless, there I was, sitting in church with the newfound knowledge that this little hairpin would soon be my demise.
I slowly tried to reach up and carefully slip the pin from my hair. By this time, the preacher was darting around like a wild deer. It suddenly occurred to me…what if the mess I had carefully assigned my hairpin to comes crashing down upon my shoulders. What if I was left with a 'come hither' fresh out-of-the-bedroom slutty look? Would I be held responsible for the souls of men who sat on the pews? Would I be the one to cause uncontrollable lust and therefore send these men straight to Hell? My hairpin had powers that I had no clue existed. I tried to reach up and pull the pretty evil-doer from my hair. It was too late. The preacher quickly approached the corner of my pew and stood. Damit! I had been caught. He saw it. Why had I not known of that little hairpin's seductive powers? I would have never worn it to church.
The preacher continued yelling, only louder now. I dared not to look up; I could feel spit droplets hit the back of my neck as the preacher continued. The congregation was now turned around, watching him scream and carry on. At any moment, I thought I could burst into flames; even my ears felt like they were on fire!
My mind was all over the place. I expected the preacher to slap me cross-eyed. I could just imagine him reaching out, grabbing my forehead, and shaking my brain until it ra
Yes, this evil, rebellious little hairpin had me in some deep sh#%! How was I supposed to know? It was an innocent-looking hairpin, and I had no clue that men could be brought to their knees by the apparent, unseen, wicked powers it possessed.
The preacher man stood over me for what felt like an eternity; his screams echoed through my body. I slowly bowed and whispered my own kinda sinner's prayer. "Lord, distract this preacher from the temptation I have brought up on him," I prayed. "I will never darken your doors with such an evil object again. Just make him leave my hairpin and me alone. Amen."
The preacher drifted further away from me and back towards the pulpit. Bingo! My prayer was heard! Instant relief flooded my soul.
This experience taught me a few lessons.
1. Never ever underestimate the seductive power of a hairpin.
2. Always have a rain poncho handy, just in case.
3. Men weak enough to lust over hairpins… don't belong behind a pulpit!